What Hurts the Most
by Sam's Seductress
Summary: Sam remembers Jessica. Oneshot.


Okay my 1st one shot..please R&R! Listeningtothe song _What Hurts the Most_ while your reading this helps. It gives it a more dramatic effect.

Warning: thoughts of suicide are involved.

Rated T:

Disclaimer: I dont own supernatural nor do I own Rascal Flatts or their music.

_

* * *

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out_

Dean had gone out that night to make some money for the week. Being alone in the motel room made Sam think about the good times.

He didn't want to remember, as much as it killed him inside. He wanted her face out of his head. The horrible images etched in his mind until he dies.

He wanted to feel her warmth again, breathing in her in with every breath. Hugging her forever, never letting go. Time was of no element when they were together.

The nightmares.

That's what hurt Sam the most. Having to relive that night over and over again. Every night it was the same thing, the ceiling, the fire. It was his fault, he should've told her something, anything.

_I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me_

Stanford College

6 months ago

"Sam, hurry up you're gonna be late." Jessica called.

Sam stumbled out of bed. "Yea Jess, I'm coming."

Sam inhaled the ambrosial smell that came flowing out of the kitchen. Jessica was at the stove cooking. He wrapped his arms around her hips and gently kissed her cheek.

"Good morning, what smells so good?"

"Blueberry pancakes, your favorite."

"Alright awesome. How did you know they were my favorite?"

She bought the two plates over to the table and set them down, pouring orange juice into the glasses.

"Well remember you told me anything that is blue, makes you happy. I don't wear these PJs for just for my health." She laughed pointing at her Smurf pajama top.

"Ah really, I said that? Do you remember why?"

"Partly because it is a color that known to mean sadness. Turning a negative into a positive."

"Oh yeah that's right, I do that a lot huh?" Sam laughed.

"Yeah, that's what I love about you Sam. I love everything about you" She smiled sweetly.

"I love you too."

_  
What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away_

Sam, whether he liked it or not, was forced to remember. To remember the good times as well as the bad. Sometimes even the smallest things could escalate into a big argument, but it was okay because they both knew that it made their relationship even stronger.

"Sam, I would never do that to you, why would think that." Jessica said, tears poured down her face.

"You know what Jess, I don't know what to think anymore." Sam said tossing his hands up into the air.

She sunk to the ground, putting her head in her hands. Sam glanced over at her, he knew she was sorry. He had always had a problem with forgiving others, but Jessica was different, he couldn't stay mad at her, ever. He bent down next to her, scooping her up into his substantial embrace.

_And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do_

Sam punched the wall of the motel, chipping some of the paint. Why, why did this have to happen to him. With the life he had growing up, he felt he deserve a bit of happiness in his life. He had no one else, his Dad didn't care, Dean didn't care. He was alone.

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone_

Sam bolted up from his bed. He was sweating and out of breath, Jessica awoke from his profuse panting.

"Sam what's the matter? Did you have a bad dream?"

"Yeah, it's nothing go back to sleep."

She laid back down, caressing Sam's arm. He couldn't tell her. He couldn't tell her that he had just saw her pinned to the ceiling on fire. She would have thought he was crazy, hell, he thought he was crazy. He had to protect her from this fate, but how?

_Still Harder_

_Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret_

_But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken  
_

He couldn't take this anymore. The nightmares, the loneliness, they were slowly killing him inside. He reached for a bottle of Advil off of the night stand. He poured half the bottle into his hand. He threw the pills into his mouth, chasing them with a half a bottle of vodka. He laid his head down his pillow, waiting for the darkness to take him in.

_What hurts the most_  
_Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away_

Out of the darkness, Sam saw a bright light coming toward him. A figure with blond hair and a radiant smile.

"J-Jess?"

She smiled. " I'm right here Sam."

Tears streamed down his cheek. She was actually here, standing in front of him. "Jess, I miss you so much."

"I know I miss you too Sam."

He had to tell her. Trying to control his tears he spoke. "I have to tell you something, I know what happened, I mean saw it before it happened , I don't know how but…."

"Shh, its okay Sam I know, and it wasn't your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself."

"No Jess, it is my fault, I could have stopped it. I'm so alone with out you"

"Sam, you have to be strong, for Dean and for your father. They love you just as much as I do, but I have to go now Sam."

"No wait, I don't wanna lose you again." He said, moving closer to her.

"You'll never lose me Sam, I'll always be with you."

_And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do_

"I'll always love you Sam. Never forget that."

"I won't, not ever. I love you too Jess."

He awoke from his dream. Sam reached out to touch her face, but she was gone. He looked at the pills and vodka on the table, realizing that he hadn't taken them, he threw them in the trash. He could still feel her, her warmth still enclosed around him. "_I was always be with you." _Those were the words he would hold on to forever.

_Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do_


End file.
